Dear Eddie and Katherine….Christmas was the time we all came together, even if we had only seen each other a handful of times throughout the year, often in a tiny room filled with so many people and sea of presents and wrapping paper to the point we could barely breath or walk in the room…laughing and eye rolling, eating and giggling, over the antics of all the craziness that would be transpiring in front of us. I really do miss you two. Your little girl is pretty darn amazing. Absolutely fantastic mom…your grandchildren are pretty terrific too. I am so glad she participates in the madness, of our Christmas. She, Matt, and these boys being here keeps your spirit and your presence with us. We find ourselves laughing, eye rolling, playing, eating, and then I feel it…I feel your are with us , in that moment.. You, Katherine smiling sweetly in the chair holding one of the boys, and you Eddie making me laugh as you are making hilarious gestures behind people, before getting caught… I see both of you wrapped up in Savannah and the boys, that is definitely a great combination..
For as long as I can, I hope this day can be preserved ….if throughout the year, our lives become chaos, and we barely get to see the other, I hope this one day will be the day we gather to remember we are family. I hope in some ways keeping this tradition alive will play a part in the boys lives, show Savannah how much she is loved and honor the two of you the only ways I know how. ….Merry Christmas in Heaven.
Category: Miscellaneous writings
He is Lost
Dedication to all that are living with loved ones with dementia.
It’s at night when I lay in my bed, or sitting in my car at the grocery store, standing over the stove cooking a meal, or in the wee hours of the morning drinking a cup of coffee. These are the moments I allow the tears to stream down my face, these are the moments I allow myself to feel my own sorrow and grief.
Not when I am waking him and answering his questions if mom is ok. Never will I
Show those tears putting his food on his plate and answering his questions about feeding his cat, or who else is here.
He is lost, 59 years he had her, he had this beautiful woman by his side. The woman who he worried and cared for most of his life.
He is lost. He had his abilities, he had his mind and thoughts to rely on. He had his strength to guide his family, to be strong when they needed him.
He is lost. He can’t remember exactly where he is sometimes, and he can’t remember what day it is. He will sometimes look at me confused before it dawns on him that I am his daughter.
He is lost. He thinks sometimes she will be coming home, or he may call her phone…. then you see his face look down and you see that look because he remembers, that she is no longer here.
He is lost. He can’t walk, or get out of the chair without assistance, he is embarrassed and ashamed..because he never wanted to rely on help from his family. He always says he is sorry, and don’t know what he can do. I tell him not to be sorry, all will be ok.
He is lost. He will snap, and maybe even yell. He may be harsh, always with regret. He will feel so guilty and always apologize, I tell him I understand and that it is ok…
He is lost. He remembers when people came to see him and enjoyed the love of the family around him, he looks around and sees no one but me. His voice cracks and lip quivers when he talks to them on the phone if they call. He talks for hours about people if they come to see him.
He is lost. He is struggling to accept that he will never drive again, he will never walk the same again. He avoids the wheelchair because he knows what it means.
He is lost. As tears wail up in his eyes when the lady came and asked him questions that he should know. Why can’t he remember what year it is? Why can’t he remember what his address is?. He always knew this before…
He is lost. The strongest man I have ever known,, is at the weakest point in his life.
So, I will hide my tears for now. I will be strong for him, for he cannot. I will honor my beautiful mother by picking up where she left off, taking care of the man she loved until I no longer can. I will grieve in silence, when I am alone. He will not see my tears, he will only see me smile. I will comfort him and show him he is loved, because I want him I know that I am here when he feels he is lost
travelingwithkim 